"Let It Be To Me" Part 2

Long ago when I first started blogging, I wrote about "Let It Be To Me as YOU Have Said"...quoting from Mary and Gabriels conversation and applying it to my walk with the Lord.
That is really good in principle. It is right. It is godly.

And it is also down right HARD! when the rubber meets the road.
My rubber is meeting several roads right now. Some with road blocks. Some that are dark.
The road block right now is my journey to Jessicas (my oldest daughter) house for the birth of her fourth child. I want to go. I feel like I need to go. I know she wants me there, even needs me to be there. The road is blocked to me. I keep thinking maybe it is just appearing to be blocked and when the time is right, the block will go away and I can happily go to Virginia and witness my ninth grandchild being born and help my daughter.

I don't want to cause Jessica the pain of not having her mother with her during childbirth. I went through that several times and had a wounded place in my heart for a long time.

I don't want to cause Rachel pain. Rachel is my second daughter who lives at Jessica's house right now. In November it will be a year since I have seen her. I miss her. She misses me and was/is looking forward to me being at the birthing of Samuel. "Lord, I will fail her if I'm not there", I have cried.

I don't want to cause my grandchildren the dissapointment of Grandma Joy not coming in October. Right or wrong, we've been telling them I am coming in October and they are/were excited. It's so nice to have grandchildren longing for grandma to come visit. Honestly, I have never had that before and it was/is something that I wanted so much.

So, here I am...one month before Samuels birthing and I am looking at several road blocks preventing me from going to Virginia.

Then, there is the dark road. My eighth grand child, my third grand son, Emmanuel has just been diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia (SCA for short). It's a road I have never walked on before. Emmanuel is just one month old (yesterday). He is beautiful and delightful and LOOKS fine. But now we know, there is a dark road ahead. We have to be careful that he is not where germs are so he won't get sick.

We need to stay well, so we don't make him sick. Emmanuels mother, my youngest daughter, Sarah, had to work and I am Emmanuels caretaker (along with helpful grandfather, Kevin). If we are here, Emmanuel would need a different care taker and he would be exposed to germs his little body are not familiar with and he could get sick. Sarah would worry more.

I try not to be paranoid about the dark road, but me and darkness haven't been the best of friends in the past and we are still not companions.

Today, the rubber is meeting the road. I remember the phrase that Mary said to Gabriel, "Let it be to me as you have said" and I remember that I have told the Lord that I would have that same attitude.

Yet, here I have sat....looking at the road blocks and looking down the dark road with my heart beating too fast and my breaths joining in and I have not remembered that I can safely trust my heart to the Lord of my life.

I repent.

I KNOW in whom I have believed. I know He is able. My heart can safely trust in Him.

I return to my previous resolve. "Let It Be To Me as YOU Have Said"